Alpine Owls of Hooters High School

Alpine Owls of
Hooters High School

Hot Wings Cash Cow Could Bring High School

Alpine – In a move that has tongues wagging, talk has emerged of an innovative way to bring a high

school to

Alpine.

“We’ve been continually frustrated with the Grossmont School District’s lack of momentum in moving

forward to

bring a high school to Alpine,” said Don Johnson, of the Coalition To Quit Sending Kids Down

the Hill. “So we

decided to take matters into our own hands and think outside the box…the El Cajon box,

that is.”

Fellow coalition member Catherine Jones continued, “Since money, or the lack thereof, has always been

the

root of all evil for high school funding in Alpine, we decided to take a cue from the City of San Diego

and look to

see what worked for them. We noticed a pattern of corporate sponsorship that allowed for both

updating existing

facilities and infrastructure, as well as building brand new construction.”

“So we thought

….if a 40-year-old stadium built in 1967 is too decrepit for professional athletes to play

in, surely

a 47-year-old school built in 1960 is too far-gone for our teenagers, who, God help us, are the

future of this great

country. Hence, last month we formed a subcommittee to explore the possibility of

corporate sponsorship to raise

the funds necessary to get this darn high school built.”

Sub-committee chairman Sarah Parker provided further details. “While we put a lot of feelers out, so far

we’ve

only gotten one solid commitment from a company that expressed tentative interest.”

“While the company’s reputation may cause a bit of controversy, we know that Alpiners are liberal in their

thinking and will keep an open mind, realizing all the benefits this corporate good neighbor can bring to the

community.”

Parker continued, “So in light of the fact that only one business responded, the members of The

Coalition To

Quit Sending Kids Down the Hill took a vote, and accepted the proposal from Hooters

Restaurants, Inc. to sponsor

the construction of a high school in Alpine.”

“We’re still working out the details, of course,” Parker said, “And Grossmont will have to get on board

with it, but

they would be foolish to turn down free money based on such an outdated tenet as principle.”

“The sponsor has insisted that the school colors be Orange and White,” Parker continued, “And they

want the

Hoot Owl, a time-honored symbol of wisdom, to be the school mascot. If our timetable goes as

planned, we’re

looking at breaking ground this fall. On that schedule, the first class of ‘Alpine Owls of

Hooters High School’ could

graduate by the year 2010.

The offer, however, comes with even more wings, er, strings attached. When this hard-hitting reporter

pressed

for further details, Parker paused to choose her words carefully. “The one issue that could be

problematic is the

company’s desire to implement a daily “Hot Wings Special’ on the school lunch menu.

New dietary restrictions

imposed by the State might be an obstacle, unless of course we can come up

with a low-fat version.”

Parker continued, “Another great benefit of this corporate sponsorship is that Hooters has offered to

establish

a new ‘Restaurant and Hospitality’ program at the high school level, with opportunities to intern at

a working

establishment during the summer. Of course, we still have to hash out some of the EEO issues,

as well as

evaluate how receptive the male students would be to wearing orange Dolphin shorts.”

“Our next meeting is coming up, April 1 at the Alpine Rec Center,” Parker said. “We’d like all of Alpine to

involved in this process and have their voices heard. If you have an opinion you’d like to share, please

plan on

attending this critical meeting that could very well determine not only the future of Alpine, but the

fate of the free

world as we know it.”

And oh….complimentary hot wings will be served.

The Alpine Sun wishes you a very happy April Fool’s Day!

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